The Black Mask and the Big Beautiful Woman
by justincbenedict
Summary: One-Shot, set before the New 52;Babs is still in the chair. Dick decides he wants to go on an online date, but trouble follows as always


Dick wondered what kind of gem he'd find waiting for him at Paco's Tacos. He'd picked Paco's because if you must meet an online blind date, there was no need to overly impress them. Dick tried not to splash money around; after all… that was why he'd bought the slum building that was managed by Clancy…on the sly.

Why couldn't Dick summon up serious feelings for Bridget Clancy? Was she too clingy…too close…that was certainly part of it. Clancy was always AROUND. And she talked almost manically. After being raised by the almost silent Bruce Wayne, and then spending his eighteenth through twenty-first years with demure Kory (could an alien be demure?) Dick should have wanted a bit of chatter…did he miss Kory? Perhaps.

Dick looked in Paco's Taco's, surveying the ugly plastic tables. Who could she be…the picture had been fuzzy. In the age of the Iphone and selfies, the girl had submitted a Polaroid…but her prose was funny, and she liked Jars of Clay, "Spaceballs" and "Rolling Stone" magazine, a shameful pleasure for the otherwise serious Dick.

And, of course, she was a reader, this mystery woman—like Babs. Before Clancy had taken the Waynetech scholarship and gone off to school, she'd once questioned Dick's fascination with a girl in a wheelchair—but Barbara was so much more than that, wasn't she?

They'd had an on and off thingie since high school, since of course they'd been able to share the whole cape secret crap—and their relationship had changed a lot after Babs was paralyzed by the Clown Prince of Creepiness. But it had really grown. But Babs didn't really want Dick hanging around too much…

Oh, there she is. She mentioned in her ad being a "Big Beautiful Woman". Dick tried to smile. He began walking over slowly. I bet she's a great conversationalist, and you aren't exactly Brad Pitt, buddy. Not a cop anymore, or anything sexy. Try to get to know this girl—

Behind Dick there was a loud crashing noise, and startled, he turned to see an ebony skull above a pearl gray cashmere Armani topcoat. Rudely shoving Dick aside, the gangster known as the Black Mask strutted into Paco's Taco's, cradling a Singapore Technologies lightweight multi-caliber submachine gun.

Dick remembered Bruce looking disgustedly at the ST ad on the Batcomputer…a nasty piece of equipment. Following the Black Mask were several other thugs with similar weaponry…what the hell?

"Ernesto, my lad, where are you?" The Black Mask grinned. "You owe us some moolah, you do."

Dick vaguely recalled Paco's nephew…Dick and Ernie had been kids together, shooting hoops at Howard T. Gotham Middle School before Ernie had taken up the syringe, and the pipe, and the various powders, plants and pill paraphernalia that accompanied such equipment.

"Ernesto, get out here fast!" The Black Mask shouted, as he shot out several fluorescent lights on the ceiling. "The Redskins lost to Miami, I want my vigorish, son!"

Oh yes, gambling…Ernie liked sports betting, too. No time to change, and even if I had a telephone booth, I left my costume at home so I could look cute in a casually unbuttoned (three buttons, anyway) silk shirt…

Diners were ducking under their tables, and lying on the floor, perhaps as advised from "NCIS" reruns. The Black Mask, however, had formidable aim, and blew a young man's head off as he and his girlfriend crouched on their knees.

"Ernesto, I am knocking off your customers, son…where's my two-fifty, I—" The Black Mask was suddenly toppling over, some dark haired twenty something college shit had just dared to hook his foot into the Mask's, and as the crime lord was falling, the kid snatched the submachine gun and—split it over one knee.

"Ski! Rocco! Knock off this little bastard!" Looking up from his prone position, the Black Mask spotted Ernesto, who was trembling behind the counter. "I'll get you in a moment, you field-goal predicting dim bulb!"

But the kid who had the death wish…who'd tripped the Black Mask had just broken Rocco's nose, and as Rocco's gun fell to the floor, the little bastard now groin-kicking Ski, stomped the Mask's hand as he was grabbing for it.

The Black Mask arose, cursing, and holding his shattered fingers, and ducked out the door of Paco's Taco's, his henchmen being tossed out quite violently. Following the three gangsters out onto Wystan Avenue were fleeing customers amid tossed enchiladas and broken trays.

After almost slipping on a spilled cheese fajita, Dick looked around. The baddies were gone, but so were most of the patrons, including…Delta F. the um, Big Beautiful Woman. Ernie was being bitch-slapped by Uncle Paco…

And Dick left the restaurant, grinning. He might drop over to Barbara's… they could watch a little Conan together, and Dick might get lucky.


End file.
